I have a car … not just any car, but a paid up 6 year old car. I go shopping in it, and just drive around in it, and go visiting in it. It runs like a dream. Imagine my surprise, then, when suddenly I find in my mailbox a "Dear Oldsmobile Customer:" notice from General Motors. They have decided (DECIDED?) that a "defect which relates to motor vehicle safety exists and may manifest itself" in my car.

OK, well that isn't unheard of, but I read farther and was stunned by what followed:

"We have learned of a condition that can cause the driver's air bag in your car to deploy unexpectedly, WITHOUT A CRASH, AS YOU START YOUR CAR OR DURING NORMAL DRIVING. A driver seated in the proper driving position and using the safety belt could receive minor injuries, such as abrasions, from contact with the air bag."

Hey, what about contact with other vehicles while said airbag is in my face?

"However, as your owner's manual states, if you're too close to an inflating air bag, it could seriously injure you."

Not to mention everyone else in my vicinity ... Oh man, I'm thinking, that's not scary, huh!

I read on to see when I can get it fixed. FIXED? No way!

After a lengthy dissertation on what they are trying to do about it and why, they politely apologized by saying, "Please know that we understand the concern this product safety issue may cause and the need to correct it as quickly as we can."

I'm so glad you understand, GM. NOW FIX IT!

"Until we are able.... "

UNTIL?

"to replace the air bag inflator in your vehicle, there are two very important precautions you can take to reduce the potential for serious injury."

It wouldn't take much imagination at this point to figure my mind has gone right off the deep end, racing with visions of the stupid air bag suddenly and without reason, inflating, smashing my glasses into my face and knocking my teeth down my throat, while I am cruising along in traffic doing 55 miles an hour and right beside the monster tractor trailer I am in the process of passing. Now WHAT? If I slam on the brakes, the car behind, and all those cars behind him, are going to smash my back seat right through the windshield, but I can't keep driving because my eyes are full of blood from the glasses ripping up my face, and watering from escaping gas exiting the deployed air bag. HELP! Surely they will tell me how to keep this from happening! I frantically read on:

"What you should do:

1. Make sure that you are in the correct driving position before starting the car. If you are too close to an inflating air bag or if you are leaning forward, it could seriously injure you."

Just starting my car could seriously injure me? OK, so I climb into the passenger seat and turn the key with my left hand ... while hoping my neighbors aren't watching this insane performance!

"That is why it is important to follow the instructions in your owner's manual-always wear your safety belt and sit back as far as possible while still maintaining control of the vehicle."

Maintaining control of the vehicle? How in blazes do you control the vehicle if you can't even control the air bag? It should have said, 'until the bag deploys' and there I am back doing battle with the truck or getting seriously injured while starting my car!

2. "You may get a warning before a deployment."

MAY get a warning?

"In normal operation, the air bag light on your instrument panel flashes on for a few seconds when you start your car and should remain off at all other times when the engine is running. If you see this light come on and stay on, find a safe place to pull off the road, turn off the vehicle and call Roadside Assistance at 1-800-442-6537...."

I want that number tattooed on my arm!

"to arrange to have the vehicle towed to the nearest dealership. DO NOT RESTART THE CAR."

Like at this point I would ever get back into it!!

"There will be no charge for this roadside service ."

Maybe not from you guys, but just wait until my lawyer drops in on you! Providing I survive the coronary I just had.

"What GM is doing:"

I was kind of wondering about that!

"GM is working with its suppliers as quickly as it can to obtain replacement inflators for a recall campaign."

Right ... well 'as quickly as it can' is just not soon enough. How about NOW! And blah, blah, blah, they rambled, for 3 more fruitless paragraphs, ending with, "If you have questions or would like to discuss this matter, you can call us toll-free at...."

A few days later, as I was toying with the idea of having my hazardous air bags removed, I got my car insurance renewal, and as usual, received a credit for having air bags in my car. Laughed so hard I thought I'd die ... while wondering if they'd pay to repair the glasses, teeth, multiple broken bones and abrasions caused by said air bags.

I do believe Scarlett had the right idea ... I'll think about this tomorrow.

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Copyright BZ Leonard 2000 All rights reserved
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